Monday, June 04, 2007

Senior Citizen Jokes

I have friends who send me Senior Citizen jokes that fly though the web. The ones below keep making the rounds. We can all use a laugh?

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.As he was about to get the anaesthesia he asked to speak to his son."Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son;do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me.…your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

Ageing: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for

Some people try to turn back their odometers.Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.I've travelled a long way and some of the roads were not paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about ageing is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful,but being old is comfortable

Old age is when former classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
First you forget names, then you forget faces.Then you forget to pull up your zipper.It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft..Today, it's called golf

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school,Did you manage to live a well planned life? "'Yes," said her friend."My first marriage was to a millionaire;my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked,"What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go.

TWO DOZEN SENTENCES ABOUT SENIORS.
1. God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
2. Now that I'm older, here's what I discovered: I STARTED out with nothing...I still have most of it.
3. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
4. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
6. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
10. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
11. It was all so different before everything changed.
12. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
13. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
14. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
15. I wish the buck stopped here...I could use a few.
16. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
17. It's hard to make a come-back when you haven't been anywhere.
18. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
19. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
20. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
21. Health is only the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
22. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
23. Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else seems to wear out, fall out or spread out.
24. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory; the other two, I forget.
******************************************************

Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.


Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.



Submitted by Adiastar00


Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.



Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher comes by. The flasher stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat.

The first old lady had a stroke.

Then the second old lady had a stroke.

But the third old lady had arthritis and couldn't reach that far.



~~~~~



My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes. That's when I noticed my son Ben staring at my husband's head. He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?"

After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply, "Not physically." -- Reader's Digest



~~~~~



The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good frie



Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

4 comments:

sherle said...

Funny yes... but ya know... ever since I can remember, 'old' and 'senior citizen' are labels for people 10 or more years older than me... thus the name 'granni39.'
Have a great week! ;-)

Joan said...

Some of these were new to me! Good ones! Thanks for sharing.

Carol said...

I must be old because there are VERY few things worth having to wait in a long line.

JBL said...

These were a hoot! Thanks for sharing them. Have a wonderful Christmas...much love.